Keeping your relationship strong when you move abroad is harder work than many couples think. The truth is, the stress of moving abroad can affect any relationship. Age, location, job, language and even attitude can put stress on a relationship and magnify existing underlying problems. How can you manage the stress and help mitigate the impact your move may have on your relationship?
American Dhyan Summers, a licensed marriage and family therapist who lives in New Delhi, India, told us there is a vast difference in stress levels between first- and third-world countries. Summers said that a third-world country introduces more change and unknowns in contrast to a first-world country. If expats move abroad from a first-world country to a third-world country, the transition is likely to be more extreme and may cause friction in a relationship.
Summers said it is often easier for younger expatriates to cope with the stress that comes with moving abroad. “It’s just easier for young people because they can hang out in clubs and are just more resilient and adapt to change more easily,” Summers said. “Older expatriates may have more trouble immersing themselves in social activities and adapting to change.”
Summers also said expats and their spouses or partners who are posted or move abroad because of work are especially susceptible to loneliness and depression, particularly if one spouse stays at home. “Typically the person at home is the woman,” Summers said. “The stay-at-home spouse or partner may feel isolated because very often they simply are not able to form a social network because of cultural and language barriers.”
While one spouse or partner may be experiencing isolation at home, the worker in the relationship has his/her own stress from working, often at high-demand jobs like corporate or embassy positions. Summers emphasized that the work environment of a different country is itself a challenge for expats. “They have to communicate well, often in a foreign language, and have to deal with local staffs who may not share the same work ethics or values that they do,” Summers said. “Then they have to report back to their home country to American managers who may not understand the realities on the ground. They find themselves between a rock and a hard place.”
For spouses and partners, the absence of the support system they had in their home country plays a large role in feelings of isolation and loneliness. “Friends, families, all the usual support structures are left behind and they’re going to a new home country without that system built-in,” Summers said. “That can’t be overstated because it’s really important. A couple will tend to invest all their energy into each other and just look to the other one as a source of support.”
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